The first time I thought I might be pregnant I found myself crying in the shower to the unfair treatment of George Michael in his song “Last Christmas.” Never before had the lyrics hit me so hard, and I spent at least 10 minutes thinking about what a shit Christmas day he must have had. This really upset me.
A few days later whilst at the gym I couldn’t believe how fantastic my boobs looked in the reflection of the window and also how painful they were whilst I was running (fast walking) on the treadmill. I decided I needed to buy a sports bra and a pregnancy test immediately.
I should mention that even though I am approaching 30 I still really dislike human interaction, so instead of going to a shop and buying a legitimate test I took several online quizzes* entitled “Are you pregnant?” and bought 5 tests for £3 from Amazon. This resulted in me taking a test and it showing up negative. The stick was binned and I went to bed. That night I dreamt that I was pregnant. Never one to ignore my dreams, I awoke the next morning and decided to rifle through the used dental floss and tissues to find the used test. A few dry heaves later I discovered said test, which to my surprise, now stated that I did in fact have a tiny human growing inside me after all. Having found this out, I did what every mum-to-be does, I opened up my laptop, went to Amazon and proceeded to write a scathing review about the £3 pregnancy test’s I had purchased.
The next few weeks and months were really quite chaotic and I have often found myself wondering if I am, in fact, living in an ITV drama written by Kay Mellor. In order to try and process everything that went on it was suggested that I try and write about things that happened. So I decided what better way to face my demons than publicly and with the option for strangers to comment.
** If you’re reading this and think you might be pregnant you can find the scientifically proven quiz here although it’s not scientifically proven.
This is absolutely hilarious and yet completely relatable. You write with great humour and warmth – love it!
LikeLike