The first time I thought I might be pregnant I found myself crying in the shower to the unfair treatment of George Michael in his song "Last Christmas." Never before had the lyrics hit me so hard, and I spent at least 10 minutes thinking about what a shit Christmas day he must have had. … Continue reading Lines
It was around 4 days after being discharged from hospital, without my new-born baby, that I decided that running up and down the stairs might help make things better. It's funny how my mind desperately found a way to cope and the many different things I tried to control, when in reality I had no … Continue reading Coping
Having a premature baby is a lot like hosting a party for the first time. You know you're going to be having a party, so you get everything ready that you think you will need. You know you're going to have to get the venue as clean and tidy as possible ready for all the … Continue reading Party
I'm under no illusion that my fears are "normal" Looking a doctor dead in the eye and telling them that your baby is laughing at peculiar times when there is nothing funny to laugh at is not a "normal" maternal response to a laughing baby. Most people would film it, but I'd had bad experiences … Continue reading Gut
Anxiety is the treacle in my hair, licking my cheeks as I rest my head on the pillow at night. In the morning when I go to shower I realise there wasn't as much treacle as I thought there had been but it is still frustratingly hard to get the remnants out of those last … Continue reading Treacle
I have stared at the ceiling's of rooms all over the world. I have counted the ripples on the ceiling rose in Barcelona, held my breath for 5,10,15 seconds in Copenhagen, I have written lists in Madrid and contorted my body into various shapes Reykjavik all in the hope of being able to fall asleep. … Continue reading Dot
Birth related things I worried about whilst pregnant.
Getting a bikini wax before going in to labour. All I can say is "I'm sorry" to the junior doctor that was first on scene. I'm not sure if he's continuing with his medical career but my god, you put on a brave face and were so composed. Having a "sweep." Having watched an unhealthy amount of … Continue reading Birth related things I worried about whilst pregnant.
I'm handed a leaflet. The first line reads "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." I'm told I could be experiencing this and that this leaflet might help. I'm assuming that by this they mean I can tear the leaflet into tiny pieces and swallow it and it will help alleviate this feeling that there is a grenade … Continue reading Forget
My old flame
The cruelest trait of anxiety is its ability to creep up and blindside you whilst you're sitting eating your mugshot on a Tuesday afternoon. For me, anxiety started as that feeling of rocking on your chair a little too hard and tipping over the point of balance. If you manage to catch yourself before it's … Continue reading My old flame