Birth related things I worried about whilst pregnant.

Getting a bikini wax before going in to labour. All I can say is “I’m sorry” to the junior doctor that was first on scene. I’m not sure if he’s continuing with his medical career but my god, you put on a brave face and were so composed.

Having a “sweep.” Having watched an unhealthy amount of One Born Every Minute, I began to fear the sweep. To me it always seemed worse than the actual labour. From what I can remember I didn’t even have one, I did however have a man walk in to the room, disappear under the sheet for a while and emerge declaring in broken English”5 cms, no epidural” then leaving. I often think about this man and what his actual job was. I made awkward eye contact with him a day later when I went down for a midwife check up, luckily he didn’t recognise my face.

Having a hospital bag packed and ready. As Arabella arrived unannounced my hospital bag (packed by my partner) consisted of: Cereal bars, a pair of maternity jeans that had been delivered to the house that morning and were still in their packaging, a vest and a pair of size 18 pyjamas. When asked “Why size 18?” the response was “because I thought I would get you a size up so you were comfortable” That comment alone was more painful than the birth itself.

Waters breaking in public. Midwives tell you how uncommon this is but mine did break in public, slowly and on a train. It was so slow in fact that I didn’t contact a medical professional for fear of them saying “Erm, you’ve actually just wet yourself, Hayley. That’s urine.” Not having the classic “Oh my god my waters just broke!” moment is something I actually felt quite sad about, not only because it is the scenario you think about quite often whilst pregnant but also because I was genuinely curious as to what my partner would do at this point.

Dying in labour. This one I don’t really laugh about now. It was a very real fear I had that I was going to die whilst giving birth. I have no idea where it came from but I hear it is quite common, not surprisingly.

Having a perfect playlist to give birth to. If anyone had attempted to put earphones in my ears I would have significantly harmed them. Luckily the night before I had been listening to some mindfulness podcasts and the actual birth was very calm, so long as no one touched me or told me what to do (so really quite similar to every day life for me)

Pooing. Everybody dreads the poo. I don’t remember pooing and the worst part about that is that I can’t categorically rule it out as having happened or not. At least if you poo and know you did you can come to terms with it. For me I now wonder if I did and people just pretended I didn’t. I talked a lot about it to the midwives and discovered that if you shout through the toilet door “I’m just going to have to go to the toilet because I really need a poo” then that is a big clue to them that you are about to literally give birth. Within seconds the toilet door was flung open (those locks are fake) and I was being lifted on to a bed that had been wheeled across the room to greet me in the cubicle. Turns out it wasn’t a poo I needed, it was a baby (Awwwhhh)

Tearing. I’d heard horror stories and it goes without saying that this is up there with the most feared aspect of childbirth. As Arabella approached I took a deep breath in and held a minutes silence for my vagina. As luck would have it, I genuinely think this helped as I was instead blessed with friction burns. These are the less aggressive cousin of tearing, painful but with distinctly less sympathy because if you haven’t had stitches in your vagina then you can just shut the fuck up.

Weeing after having the baby. Weeing was not great, of course it wasn’t. Imagine gargling razor blades and then being forced to down a pint of lemon juice. The real surprise for me was how much my tail bone hurt. A few weeks after having Arabella I watched a video that showed what happens to the body whilst giving birth. I know now why it felt like I had given birth through my anus.

Not instantly loving my child. I still find it really hard to believe that anyone instantly loves their baby the second they’re handed them. Your baby doesn’t instantly love you, it’s thinking “what the fuck is light?” and so if you’re thinking “what the hell do I do with this thing I’m holding and will you hurry up and detach it from inside my vagina?” then that should be perfectly normal too. It is the least natural environment to be in when meeting your child for the first time in a room full strangers. I had to act like I knew what I was doing. Worst of all they just stood and watched as I posed for my first photo taken with Arabella, pouted lips, blood smeared on my forehead. Massive cringe.

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